Guilt is now part of your family. It must be because it is always there.
You love Guilt. You must do because you do not spend a moment without thinking on it.
You need Guilt. You must need it because you do not let it go from your life.
Is Guilt really your friend? Do you love it? Do you need it?
No. Not really.
But it is there.
It is there because you said those words.
It is there because you used that tone.
It is there because you did that.
You did all these so who else could be guilty?
Ask this question now again but first, please, let me rephrase it to you: Did I really do all these? Am I really the one to feel guilty? Am I really myself?
What happened then? You only remember that you were sitting on the kitchen floor crying in the silence. Your child is looking at you with her lips shaking. He is so hurt. He is so disappointed. In you.
And then Guilt arrives and you want to disappear. You want to erase those moments.
Those words are still hanging there in the silence. Your skin burns from the touch.
Your soul opens to let Guilt in and then shuts down to keep it inside. To stay there forever.
So now you either let him watch more cartoons or give him more chocolate, you just hope that somehow you can make it up to him. You compensate but for some reason it does not work.
Then you think. Why did all this happen? He did that and made me angry. I exploded. He misbehaved. In fact, he does this often and normally it does not bother me. What was different this time?
I think, it was me. I was different. I was sad and frustrated since morning. The reason why I reacted this way is in me.
What could I do to stop it? I should be honest with myself and find out what the real reason of my frustration is. Am I in need of more sleep? No, I am kind of OK. Am I in need of more time with my husband? Yes, always! Could I spend and enjoy some time without my child? Alone? Or just me and my husband? Ohh... this is a difficult and complicated question. Maybe, it is time now to get more time for me?! I truly forgot how it feels.
Being alone or doing something on my own. For myself. With my partner. With my friends. To become myself. To fill up my batteries.
This could help me tomorrow. But what to do right now?
You are still on the kitchen floor looking at the small patterns of the wooden surface. Little person is standing in front of you, waiting for you. Waiting for you to be yourself again.
Then you say: 'Sorry.'
Then again: 'I am sorry for saying those angry words, I know those made you feel sad and bad. But you did not do anything wrong. I did not want to make you feel sad. Mummy did not do well this time. I promise that I will say nice words to you in the future.'
Then you look up, he can see your tears. He says: 'Mummy angry'. He cleans your face and kisses you saying: 'no hurt, I kiss, no hurt any more'.
He looks at you with big puppy eyes and gives a kiss again. 'no hurt, Mummy'
Then he is off to the building blocks and life goes on. You feel fresh and loved. A child healed you with his beautiful heart. He only needed an honest and proper apology.
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi
Written with love by: Mariann Hornyák