I sit next to you looking at you in the dim light. You cannot sleep. I quickly have a look at the clock. 1 am. I went to bed 20 minutes ago but I am up again. You cry again. I try to help, I try to soothe you but you push me away. I gently rub your foot. I keep talking in a low, calm voice. I tell you how much I love you and that I am here.
This is the third night in row that we do not sleep and the fourth day when you do not have any nap during the day.
I feel tired but I know that you will sleep back soon. I stay with you.
You turn and sit up. Now you need water.
We settle again. You cry.
I look up to check the time. 2.30 am.
We are in bed now. I am grateful forever for this mattress in your room. I fell asleep for a minute but I can hear right away that your little feet make noises on the carpet - you walk out the room. I can hear you talking to daddy. I go and pick you. Daddy needs sleep, he needs to wake up early.
I sing your favourite song, you listen, you smile and I fall asleep. Just a few minutes later you get up saying that you want Grandma.
I explain that Grandma is sleeping miles away but we can call her when the sun comes up. You cannot accept this and cannot calm down. I feel that I will collapse in a few minutes.
I feel pain in my eyes, I have headache. My back pain is worse than days ago - I should stay a few hours in bed daily to recover.
Anyway, I go and get a sling, I put you in, I sing your song. I gently rock you. I look at the clock again - it is 4.20 am. I have not slept an hour tonight - not yet. And realizing that I won't makes me feel angry. I am now frustrated. Exhausted. But I keep sing gently and kindly.
Now you want to brush your teeth and sleep with your toothbrush. But you already sleep with your tennis ball.
I cannot stop my tears. I am giving up. This is when I reached my limit.
This is also the moment when my blessed husband came in and sent me to sleep. I passed out and managed to get 3 hours decent sleep.
My child is 2 years old. We have never had sleep issues, these few days now are tough on us. They challenge us. They show us our limits.
There must be a reason why he cannot settle to sleep at all for days now.
In the end, sitting there in the dim light, this is what I learnt from this and took mental notes to myself for tonight:
When you experience that you cannot cope, think - isn't it just that you are tired?
I understand every mother, father and caregiver who experienced the difficulty of lack of sleep or lots of crying. I truly admire and respect all who could stay calm, gentle and loving even during these difficult sleepless nights. Sleep deprivation is a huge danger - it can kill your emotions, your gentleness. Do not feel bad or ashamed to find support.
Mariann Hornyák
This is the third night in row that we do not sleep and the fourth day when you do not have any nap during the day.
I feel tired but I know that you will sleep back soon. I stay with you.
You turn and sit up. Now you need water.
We settle again. You cry.
I look up to check the time. 2.30 am.
We are in bed now. I am grateful forever for this mattress in your room. I fell asleep for a minute but I can hear right away that your little feet make noises on the carpet - you walk out the room. I can hear you talking to daddy. I go and pick you. Daddy needs sleep, he needs to wake up early.
I sing your favourite song, you listen, you smile and I fall asleep. Just a few minutes later you get up saying that you want Grandma.
I explain that Grandma is sleeping miles away but we can call her when the sun comes up. You cannot accept this and cannot calm down. I feel that I will collapse in a few minutes.
I feel pain in my eyes, I have headache. My back pain is worse than days ago - I should stay a few hours in bed daily to recover.
Anyway, I go and get a sling, I put you in, I sing your song. I gently rock you. I look at the clock again - it is 4.20 am. I have not slept an hour tonight - not yet. And realizing that I won't makes me feel angry. I am now frustrated. Exhausted. But I keep sing gently and kindly.
Now you want to brush your teeth and sleep with your toothbrush. But you already sleep with your tennis ball.
I cannot stop my tears. I am giving up. This is when I reached my limit.
This is also the moment when my blessed husband came in and sent me to sleep. I passed out and managed to get 3 hours decent sleep.
My child is 2 years old. We have never had sleep issues, these few days now are tough on us. They challenge us. They show us our limits.
There must be a reason why he cannot settle to sleep at all for days now.
In the end, sitting there in the dim light, this is what I learnt from this and took mental notes to myself for tonight:
When you experience that you cannot cope, think - isn't it just that you are tired?
- Do not try to fix your baby or the situation.
- Ask for help of angels, husbands, parents or the neighbours, friends, find a supportive parenting group. Ask them to help you sleep a few hours during the day to be ready for your night challenges.
- Keep being gentle to your child, it is not his fault. He does not want to stay awake, he does not want to be tired, he does not like to feel miserable. He does not want to cry.
I understand every mother, father and caregiver who experienced the difficulty of lack of sleep or lots of crying. I truly admire and respect all who could stay calm, gentle and loving even during these difficult sleepless nights. Sleep deprivation is a huge danger - it can kill your emotions, your gentleness. Do not feel bad or ashamed to find support.
Mariann Hornyák